FUCK YOU AND YOU AND YOU!!!

No one even understands the way i feel inside, just because i act happy has no right to any to believe that i am. FUCK EVERYBODY. I'm so over this shit. I'm so fuckin miserable inside. I hate my life and what its become. I've tried to be happy and do the right things for my kids, but when is enough, enough. seriously. I hate everything about my life. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!!

Until you come to the day when you have to walk in my shoes don't fucking judge me don't make me feel like the lowest peice of shit on this earth. I do what i can.

Is it only fair to think i deserve more in life. I wouldn't think so. But everyone seems to think i don't. I need to get the fuck away i need to just.........

fuck i hate this so much.

Another pointless complaining session.....

Dominick's a snorer and it enables me to sleep..Haha. I love that kid though. They help me make it threw each day. Even though i feel like i can't handle it some days. Their my life right now. I'd do anything just make sure their safe, healthy and happy. In which some days i even question myself if I'm even doing that for them. Blah. Life on my behalf in my own lil world in my head still sucks. Being crazy is no fun.

OK i know I'm not full fledged crazy but I'm up there. And it seems like my blogs will turn into the craziness in my head for a while. until i can boot it out. Its pretty much the only way i can vent sometimes.

So supposedly its moving to riverton. And my only reaction i can make is good bye and good riddance. But that doesn't help for the kids. Mainly Dominick. I know it'll hurt him the most.

But i couldn't feel more relieved. I need to figure out how to move on really. I know that but it's so much easier said than done.

I really need to work on fixing myself. Maybe i should see a counselor. But they would probably just tell me everything i already know. Ha. FUCK!!! I need to get out of this town that's for sure. But i can't see myself leaving my family i.e. my dad and brothers and well just everyone. This town is my comfort zone. Which i haven't figured out if its a good thing or a bad thing yet.

GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

I need sleeping pills too.

oh yes i do.

Another day, another hour, another minute, another second. Where does the time seem to go in the day time. And once it hits night, its a whole another day to me. I can't sleep worth shit anymore. I never really have, but now its starting to wear on me. I can't seem to shut my mind off when the chillins go to bed. I just lay there and think and it honestly never ends up good in the end.

I'm just waiting for the day for my life to turn around. And slowly its getting better but I'm just so impatient. I wish i would've have had this shit figured out years ago. I see peoples lives and they seem so intact, i know no one has everything down to the T but their alot farther ahead on life than i am. But just like the days before i'll push along. Live this life, make it enjoyable and filled for my chillins. That's probably the best i can do right now anyway.

I'm honestly just so made at how this has ended up. How selfish could you be to fuck supposedly the ones you loved so much, life's up so much!! Push everyone off the deep end and not even care if they can swim.

And one point i had everything i ever wanted in my life. I loved him so much that there was nothing anybody could say or do to change it. And you had to fuck it up. You wanted to become what "you've supposedly suppose to be your whole life". Did you even once stop and think what it would do to the ones around you. Did you even think what damage it will do to your children. Or as it seems just push them right off the cliff too?

I have never hated someone so much in my life as i do now. And i can't seem to mend myself from it. How am i suppose too? I have never felt so alone in my life. Even when i'm not alone i still feel it. I am such a mess and its so messed up. Cause just as i have always dealt with things in life i push it away and act like every things ok. And that I'm ok. I wear a smile everyday i doggy paddle threw what seams to be the middle of an ocean with two small children on my back. Its really getting hard to do. I just don't even know anymore. It seems like i'm distancing myself a little bit more everyday from everybody. Its really got to the point of i really don't know what to do anymore.