Side note

Yep, hello again.........

Grrr!!! That's all i have to say. I wish there was an off switch for my brain.

But laying there thinking, i figured i put some stuff down that crosses my path in my brain every night. More me stuff than anything. Hahaha other than Dominick has invaded my couch now lol.

I love that kid. He came down asking me if i liked him. So i told him, of course i like you i love you!!!! So he starts to tell one of his little stories as usual and ends it with. I just want to sleep with you mommy. So how could i say no. All though I'm sure I'll carry his 40lb body up stares before i go to bed.

But ANYWAY, I've came to the conclusion i need to start working out. I mean not full fledged take my ass up to the rec type working out, but going on walks, start roller blading again. You know. The easy steps into it.

I need to figure out a budget on the money i don't have. To be able to pay my stupid bills. And get caught up instead of living in debt the rest of my life. I really wish money grew on trees.

Or even if i could find a full time job that would be actually worth putting these two in daycare. Where it wouldn't put me farther in debt than what i already am.

Who had to make life so difficult, that's my question? lol. But i guess you live you learn you do something else.

And i need to keep up on my laundry. Well putting it away at least. I'm fine at doing it i just suck at hanging it all up and putting it all away. So it starts to pile on the floor in my closet. Awesome right? Not really.

But other than that, those are the few things that cross my mind a million times. There's so much more. But ehh I'm in a fair mood I'm not going to ruin it now.

Ohhhhhhhh. So my dad talked me into signing Dominick up for that "preschool" class they do up at the high school.

So i do believe that starts this week. Hopefully he'll enjoy it. And mainly hopefully he'll be nice to the other kids.

Hahaha

Dear Sleep, we used to be such great friends. We loved each other so much. So why have you left me? I lay here in my bed and miss you. Please come bac

Oh yes, that's how i feel!! I use to sleep the day away. And now i find my self awake longer and longer in the days. Blah!!

Can't be good, but one day I'll get back on the sleeping wagon. Ha ha, hopefully soon!!

Well its starting to seem like things are finally calming down. Dominick is doing a little bit better each day. Although i know its going to take a long time to get him back to the Dominick i once knew. Trinity is walking more and more each day. She loves that freedom, you can see it in her face with every step she takes. Few more words are starting to roll out of her mouth! And now she finally knows what giving kisses is and she won't try to shove her tongue in your mouth lol.

Those two are the reason for everything in my life. I don't know where I'd be without them.

But ya not much to say, Dominick's going to make me hunt down a car so he can go to bed, then hopefully i can do the same!! So wish me good luck on sleeping tonight.

How long can this really go on?

I seriously need to look into getting some sleeping pills. How long can one person go on X amount (usually meaning 3-4 hours) of sleep each day?

Well I'll tell ya its getting harder and harder. I don't know if its just all the stress or what. But its getting to the point where my body is starting to hurt more and more each day. And yet that could be from Dominick taking over my bed. And i just can't sleep in it with him anymore, he's such a snorer! So I've retreated to my couch. Whatever, i don't get disturbed, kicked in the back, stomach or head.

I need to figure out where to go from here, how to make things better for all of us. I never want to go threw any of this ever again that's for damn sure. I never want to have to hold my son while he's crying for his daddy until he falls asleep. That was the most heart wrenching things i have had to do so far. I'll never forget that, and i don't think he ever will either. It breaks my heart when he tells me that he misses his daddy, i don't know what to do anymore I've ran out of excuses to tell him, so finally I've been telling him the truth. And hopefully it works and helps him in the long run. I just hope he knows that no matter what i will always be here, and that I'll never do those same things to him.

I never imagined that i would have to be the soul foundation to my family. I remember growing up and how difficult it was to be raised by a single parent. I just hope i can do better at it. Even though alot of times i don't think i can. But as I've said many times before I'm doing the best i can, under these circumstances, i don't know how anyone would be able to deal with this.

People can only help, say so much to try to help, but no one will ever have the right answers, i know this because i don't even have the right answers. I honestly don't even know what to say anymore. I know I'm hurt angry and mad. But i can't even imagine how Dominick feels. Trinity is a little bit easier to deal with on the matter but that doesn't say she doesn't miss her daddy as well. But i really don't think it'll have as big as an impact on her. But i could be wrong, time will only tell. Just like with everything else.

In the long run, i hope and pray it'll all turn out alright. I hope i can be a strong person for them threw it all.

And maybe one day I'll have answers for them of why all this happened. Why it happened to them. They don't deserve for any of this. It wasn't there choice to brought into it.

Yep yep

So i guess, my last blog was a little intense, i just barely re-read it tonight. And wow, sometimes i let the anger get ahold of me. So i apologize.

I guess i could start by explaining what brought that on.

You can only handle so much be-little-ing until you freak out.

You can only be called so many names before you finally question yourself about your own well being as well as for others a.k.a my kids.

The thing that got to me the most that night, was being called a horrible mother, and that i always put myself before them. Which is 100% false, i base my life around them, my plans, my everything.

I'm not perfect at being their mother and I'll admit that, but i really am doing the best i can. Alot of times i have to ask why god has to put me threw so much before he thinks i can't handle anymore, I know they say god only puts you threw the tests he knows you can get threw. But how many can he really put someone threw. I really don't know what else i can handle.

I never expected this out of my life, i never wanted this as a life for my children.

What they are going threw, and what I'm going threw trying to be the foundation to their worlds is, probably one of the most hard, heart wrenching things I've had to do.

They don't deserve the heart break, mainly Dominick, for what their "sperm donor" is putting them threw. And he doesn't even have the guts to tell Dominick the truth of whats going on. He doesn't have to hold him every night as he cries himself to sleep cause he misses his daddy, he doesn't have to listen to him ask to go see his daddy or talk to him on the phone. And when i call his phone and it goes to the this phone has been disconnected business the look on his face. It breaks my heart. And what makes it worse is when he says that his daddy doesn't want him.

It's just so hard.