Kinda Cont....

Blah :D

Alright so onward i go. So once his parents figured out that we weren't together, It got worse on my end. I was the horrible person. I was this and that and what ever you could think of. That's what i was. So for 6 months. Hadley unwillingly took the kids every weekend. Well almost every weekend. And shortly after i started making up excuses as of why he couldn't take them. And one night i got pulled over cause i slid threw a stop sign. I mean actually slid threw it i stopped but the car didn't and i got pulled over. By this time he was living up in riverton working supposedly. Well i couldn't find my ins. card and got a ticket for it. So i ended up calling him to see where it was. Come to find out he took it out of my car because it was under his name. And when we went to court he told me i had to get my own. Which whatever no problem. Anyway come to find out he didn't pay the bill. His parents had giving him $500.00 to pay it. Ended up going to court, and one of the ladies his mom works with saw me sitting over there waiting to go into court. And here comes Toni, wondering why i was there. Explained the what had happened. And she finally started to apologize to me for the way her n Don had been acting towards me. Told me that she told Hadley that he was no longer welcomed at their house. And that it "just wasn't good for him to be there anymore." And he booked up to Washington. There's so much more to this story but i figured I'd write a little bit more while i had some time.

But no Sandra he didn't' go up to the high school preschool. I actually got him enrolled in Head start preschool up at LUCD and he'll start in fall.

Well, Since not everyone knows the full extent of whats going on, I'll Start from the beginning.

Oh hooray, Alright so Hadley (aka fuck face, sperm donor, douche bag) and I met in 2001-2002 ish, We were together, for the most part. I guess, hahaha whatever it was i guess i could say. I ended up getting pregnant and he booked it. Go figure. So in May of 2003 I had my 1st son who was given up for adoption. Probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life, yet maybe not. Still torn about it. After not talking to him for a lil over a year. He hunted me down and me being the stupid one went back to him. I should have learned from the 1st time and left it alone. I ended up pregnant again and had a miscarriage. Which I'm not upset about it was for the best at that point of time in life. I was to fucked up in the head to even try to take care of a child. Then in March of 2006 Dominick was born. Things were still alright i guess i could say. He didn't necessary want Dominick and asked me multiple times to get an abortion. He also had another girl pregnant and her kid is 3 months older than Dominick. Again another sign of just to leave. Things got alot worse after Dominick was born. Don't get me wrong i loved Hadley with all of my heart. There was nothing anybody could have said for me to leave him. When Dominick was about 8 months old. Hadley wanted to leave. Again should have let him. But once again stupid love got the best of me. And on one of our drunk in nights he told me he wanted to get breasts. Being drunk i thought it was just one of those damn if i had boobs I'd play with them all the time type deals and it was never brought up again. Until i noticed my underwear started disappearing. Honestly i never saw alot of them again. Until i finally found out what happened to them. He started stealing them and wearing them and hiding them.

Again.

I should have left him. But no i loved him and was fucking retarded.

Finally, i broke down. And sadly enough to say became a full fledged alcoholic. Cause no matter what i did he wouldn't leave. He finally loved me as much as i once loved him. But it was to late. Especially when the way he dressed changed(meaning wearing girl clothes)

And one of my drunken nights i ended up having sex with him and here comes trinity.

I love her and Dominick but with me being on birth control they shouldn't have been born and especially with him as the father. I wish i had them with someone else.

But before i found out i was pregnant with Trinity, I once again told Hadley to get out.

And left for him to pack. I get a phone call from a nurse out at the hospital. He claimed he was having a heart attack. So i went out there to get Dominick. Once again he never left. The whole time i was pregnant with trinity. I was never home. I hated him. I hated looking at him. It made me sick to my stomach. So i hung out at my brother Kellen's house every night until i was tired and could go to sleep.

When Trinity was born i was the biggest mess possible. Yet once again not many saw that. Just like everything else i hid it.

So when trinity was 4 months old i started working at the golf course. And once again became an alcoholic. I'd get off work go home make sure the kids were OK and left. I wouldn't come back home until he had to be to work. I know how bad that sounds and i regret doing that to my kids. I just didn't know what else to do. No one could help me.

Finally he got pissed off enough at me and moved out. I told him i was done and i never wanted anything to do with him again, unless it had something to do with the kids. He claimed to his parents everyone that we were together until the realized we weren't when i wouldn't go up there when asked. And i turned into the horrible bad person.

I'll finish more later lil miss just woke up.

Wouldn't it be nice!

Seriously, just to be able and pack up and just leave. Not having any responsibility's, not giving a shit about anything other than yourself. Well fuck face booked it to Washington. Been there for a week. No one would have known other than he called his parents cause he needed something. Called me on Sunday or Monday, don't really remember what day, to say that he was there. I was more than livid. There are no words to explain how much anger and hate i have towards him. He doesn't deserve these two. They don't deserve him, hope fully there's someone out there that one day will be a father to them. Someone they can look up too as a parent figure other than me. I told him yesterday not to even bother calling anymore. I'm done picking up Dominick's broken heart for him. I'm sick of making it seem like he cares, when all actuality i know he doesn't.

He made the statement of what was i suppose to do, no job & no place to live. Well there turbo grow up find a job and find a place to live. Its called welcome to being an adult. Is it really that hard to even do? I've been doing it since i was 16. Come on now dumb fuck! The world is not going to be handed to you like you expect it to be. Or how you think you deserve it to be, because you've had such a horrible life! If murder was legal he'd be dead.

But anyway, I've started applying for jobs around town. Hopefully i can find a full time with benefits. I'm praying at least. I'm so far in debt its not even funny. I just try to look past it. Only one more thing i don't want to stress about. I'm sick of stressing everyday of my life. So bye bye credit. Haha. Is it sad that i really don't care right now.

My main goal right now is to make sure Lil miss n punk have the things they need and a roof over their heads. That's the goal. and I'm sticking to it.

I also need to be able to get out. And have some form of communication with other people. Other than drunken madness all the time. Its getting quite old to say the least. Along with the drama and bull shit everyone throws into it. Everyone has their problems, everyone has things they have to deal with as a person. People need to realize who there true friends are and who the backstabbing ones are. And burn those bridges. Its not worth it in the end.

Is the kinda friend who will help you anyway she can when you need it; not kiss your ass when you expect it.

Good thing to live by now.

And to my friends that i know will always be there. Thank you for the memories, the

e good times the bad times.The shoulder to cry on. But mainly for the laughter!

Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper - it doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while.

And something I'm going to try to always remember:

~*"It's not what others think of you that matters the most, It's what you think of yourself that is the most important"*~

~You can live your life with no regrets & stand behind every decision you make, as long as you can look in the mirror and like the person looking back at you.*~

"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the overcompensations of misery.

And, of course, stability isn't nearly so spectacular as instability. And being contented has none of the glamour of a good fight against misfortune, none of the picturesqueness of a struggle with temptation, or a fatal overthrow by passion or doubt. Happiness is never grand."

Maybe something to learn to live by, maybe? Maybe not, some of it sounds good while other parts of it does't.

I wish i had a guide book to my life. Something to tell me when the good days will come and the worsts one's.

I'm sick of this bouncing back and forth from being on top of the world, then the next felling like i'm in the gutter.

I'm still trying to find out how i can create a life for myself. Meaning finding the happiness i deserve, finding someone for me.

To be able to get out of this glitch and find my way back on top.

This weekend is Easter, I asked Dominick what he wanted from the Easter bunny and he said to see daddy. Which of course broke my heart. I don't see how easy it is just to move on with your life and have nothing to do with your kids. And with him supposidly moving to Washington, how will he ever have anything to do with his kids. No matter how much hate I have for him, it still hurts me the way he puts himself before his own kids.

Its always about him, and how everybody and the world is against him. And its always everybody else's fault.

I just don't understand. I probably never will and i really don't know if i want to understand it all.

The less i know the better is for my sanity.